Dakota's Journal

Well, I haven’t written in this journal of mine for quite some time now and the month of October is just about over. For one, I have been busy with life in general, my working life, plans and everything else, and secondly, I have been grasping a new path, it certainly is not the box of chocolates that life promised, but it’s a new page in my book.

I can’t believe it, but today was the first day in a month and a half that I finally came to realize that it is actually over between me and the love of my life! It wasn’t an easy feeling to grasp or even accept. As a matter of fact, as of yet, it has been the most difficult challenge in my entire life. There are so many memories, so many good times and so many sad times that you share when you are in love, and when you have to say goodbye it is truly heart breaking. Three years is a long time to be with someone, but three years is an even longer time to be in love with someone.

Today I went through the countless letters, gifts, cards, photographs, fragrances and everything else that you collect with someone when you are in love, it was at that very moment that I realized the time that has been and gone. However, it isn’t the gifts or the memories that you have to say goodbye to, it’s the love that you had, and that is the most difficult part. For a month I couldn’t face the reality, but today I did.

I did it with the help and support of so many caring people in my life. For one, my mother who is a backbone in me, my sister – she is my lover in family terms, Rin for her honesty and thought, Julianne who was an inspiration, Eddy who made me realize that it wasn’t the end, Choleires during the times when I felt down, Janice for her listening ears, T – For all of the tissues and cups of tea, Hugues – Ironically the close friend of my ex and lastly, Anaru because he made me realize that there is always going to be someone else. I love you all! 

It’s so hard to say goodbye to someone that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. The person that you wanted to marry, buy a house with, travel with, eat with, love with, confide with, everything. It really is and was hard. As of yet, it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life. 

One of the hardest parts was saying goodbye with the realization that the person you loved for so long is going to stick a ring on someone else’s finger, especially when you wanted it so badly to be your own. I feel a lot better now that I have accepted it. It finally feels great to listen to music again without being sad, it’s finally good to look at the city of Paris again without sad memories, I’ve decided to just look back on this love as though it was a vital part of my life, something I never want to forget, but something that I never want to regret as well. 

To be honest, I believe that people who were in-love never stop loving each other, even in the very end. Life is short, but the love that you have for someone you love or loved will never die. Today I was going to take the gold necklace that my ex gave me, but I paused in the mirror and I decided to leave it on, I promised that I’d keep it closest to my heart forever. I can still keep it closest to my heart with the best memories. 

I can still remember the day that I was given that necklace too. We were on the coast of Tahiti, French Polynesia on holiday… It was a late afternoon and Mon Amour looked at me with those Cantonese eyes and said “promise me you’ll keep this closest to your heart forever“.

Surrounded by shapely green tree’s, the most yellow, somewhat cinnamon colored reeds and mountainous hills, I stood. Looking beyond the distance, or what you might have described as a technicolor hue, I could see the sky. So blue it was described, but, so white it was, from the feathered white clouds that appeared to resemble the steam-like smoke that only a Chinese dragon could express from it’s Oriental nostrils. 

Standing beneath the sun’s rays, the glistening reflection of a nearby stream left my eyes blind from what you would call a visual bliss. I could see river stones beneath the water, kissed by the temperature of the stream, you could see the colors change, as the stones got moved by the strength of the current, like one thousand autumn leaves lifted gracefully but quickly by an afternoon gust of weathered wind. 

A flickering shadow from the sky left my eyes at a gaze, for the mere complexity of this rhythmic dance left me curious, what seemed to look like a dance between two sword shadows, was actually the instinctive darting of a native Hawk bird, it flew with respect, as the many creatures below ran from it’s dangerous, yet beautiful hunting presence. 

This location was so quiet, I felt a strong sense of thought, whereby nothing else beyond my view could distract me, for I felt free in such a nameless land, somewhere in the country side of New Zealand where not even a house nor a human could be seen. I stood in the middle of no where, where I reminisced because it faintly, but so vividly reminded me of Arizona…  To me this location felt quiet, but I began to contemplate and think… Because I realized that even when you are in such a quiet, peaceful place, there are still noises, noises from your thoughts and your heart… Because in a location like this, it can be so free, and so quiet, that you are lent the time of day to think. It is such nice feeling.